My Feelings On Ourselves and Life

This is really weird. Apparently the old Host has woken up a bit. She's only been out twice since she woke up. . . But still. She basically lost two YEARS of her life. WHAM. Woke up and she's engaged to some guy SHE'S never met. It's strange. I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out why the hell she's back NOW? of all times.

I sometimes wonder if I'm best cut out for this job. Though, in all honestly, I don't know who else would do it. Sometimes I start to think I'm alone here because lately, it hasn't seemed to me that I've lost time. But I know the others haven't left. If I had many close friends who knew and whose judgement on this I could trust I guess I'd ask them. But I don't know who I can ask. Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy, I guess. I don't know. Some of this seems so strange and awful and I feel so lost I guess. It doesn't always make sense to me. I guess a lot of things don't make sense to me, though, truthfully. I wish I could talk to my t about it. But I think she's sick of my questions and questioning and besides, I'm only going to be seeing her for a few more weeks and then WHAM! it's off to a new life new house new t new everything. *sigh* I don't know. Well, I think I'm rambling now, so I'd better stop. 4/13/2000
I thought I'd add some here. I'm the new host, or relatively new. The person who started this page. . . is either dead or no long exactly what one might call "living" to say the least. No one seems to know where she is. I find it odd to think of her, and odder still to write here. This is one of her responsiblities that I find it very odd to take over. Although I do so without too much hesitation, as it may prove to be good for me. Who is this "me", you ask? I'm a lot of people glommed together, to put it bluntly. I'm sure that's hard for some of you to understand. The old Host broke apart into several seperate pieces before she died, fragments spinning off the main part, as it were. I'm those parts, put back together, with some of her "shadows", who are something like photocopies of her, made orginally to function in her place, along with part of a pair of fraternal twins who were "made" specifically to be the new Host (yes, we can do that). Surprises you, doesn't it? Kind of an unnerving thought, I'll admit. Then again, it's an odd thought for me too. Probably odder then for you, really. I don't know if she will ever come back. I don't know what would happen to me if she did. So I'm not altogether sure I'd want her too. Though maybe we'd just merge. That might be a good thing, all told. We are in the process of moving the bodies residence to a safer location, and I'm hoping maybe she'll start to peek out again then. If hoping is the right word.

I am the Host. The Front, as it were, of our system. Others may be writing here: eventually any of their writings will be transferred to their own or other pages. I am. . .not as I thought. I thought I was alone, that it was "normal" to not remember things, to do things that rationally made no sense yet somehow I knew they weren't just insanity. For a long time I thought I was insane. I thought that being insane explained it all. Now, I can see WHY I would rather thing myself insane then to even begin to believe or realize the truth. How can one who lives in Hell acknowledge that? I was created not to know, and not to remember. And, not remembering, I coud function as one without that pain. In an odd way, for me, it makes sense. I am as yet only just begining to come to grips with this. It is a hard thing, to admit to myself I am not One, I am not a "whole" person. And that, on my own, I cannot ever be whole. It is only with the others, those others I have fought so long and so hard to reject and deny that I/We can be One. And I must accept the fact that we many always be many. That although some will (and have to) eventually fuse, we may never be a single mind in a single body. Seeing the world through others eyes is something I must do: to see it through "my" own I must. It is hard for me to acknowledge that all of "my" thoughts and emotions are not "my" own, but that some of them are what the others give me, that without the others I am not even near a person. That I am incomplete without them. And that I am not the firstborn, not the Core if you will. And yes, I am important. But not neccesarily in the way that I thought.

Note: The Host is not functioning, nor present currently. She has been too overwhelmed, and is currently inside, hiding. There is questioning if she shall ever resume her place among us: for now, us, her shadows, assume that place. The Core awoke, after a fourteen year "sleep", and is now again somewhat aware, although deeply buried. It is thought by some of us that the Host will merge with her, giving us a more stable and full person to have as Host. 11/11/98